Because Dad's Matter Too

Thursday 20 July 2017

This week David Beckham kissed his five-year-old daughter on the lips and the keyboard warriors went wild. There were cries about how inappropriate it was, with some even suggesting it was bordering on incestuous. Yes, you read that right, a kiss between a loving father and his little girl! Sometimes I despair of the world we live in. A world where the strong hold of fear and terrorism is juxtaposed with a screen shot of a beautiful family moment.  Something innocent and banal misconstrued and turned into something ugly.

There are two things I take issue with here.  Firstly, is this really nasty side of social media, in which people feel entitled to abuse, diminish, name call and jeer others and call it “being entitled to an opinion”. Sure, we’re entitled to an opinion, after all, it’s what I do here week after week but it appears that to some the space between phone or laptop inhibits a complete lack of respect and common courtesy.  Yes, maybe there is an argument to be made that the Beckham’s and others of their ilk open their lives to public scrutiny but surely, they too are entitled to parent as they wish without being accused of a monstrous crime.

The second and arguably more serious issue, is the view that there is something inappropriate in a father expressing his love for his daughter. A societal view that somehow a father’s role in loving is less important, less acceptable, less than the maternal relationship.  Dads have every right to kiss their children, to sleep in the same bed as them, to bathe them, to do nappy changes, to do any number of the intimate tasks that comprise the daily parenting relationship. And those meeting their obligations deserve to be applauded for shrugging off the stigma of being tough guys, for embracing emotion, for being involved and for loving their children – something that Irish society hasn’t always celebrated. Our constitution prescribed our roles – the men won the bread, while the kids and all that entails were the domain of the little lady!  Thankfully there has been a seismic change in attitudes in a relatively short space of time.

A major longitudinal Australian study found that a father’s self-efficacy, that is their own belief in their ability to parent, and their warmth in parenting, are the most powerful predictors of children’s improved health, academic, social and emotional outcomes. Children with distant, unsupportive and cold fathers were at greater risk of developing depression, anxiety or bipolar disorder as an adult. They were twice as likely to have a substance abuse problem and 10 times as likely to be involved in crime.

So, in short, as if you need me to point it out – father’s matter.  Their love, their friendship, their support, their boundaries, their fun – in our house - their soccer skills – they matter. The thousands of words and deeds and quiet ways they love their children daily – matter. Those gentle, butterfly kisses, be they on the forehead, nose, cheek or lips, they matter. They matter so much more than the opinion of narrow minded folk hiding behind their screens.